Karate training is not going according to plan. At most I'm at the same level as during the spring, if not worse. I feel there is no one to remind me to become better than yesterday, to push my boundaries! The only place I feel I have developed is my strength and stability, but that is because I train more at the gym nowadays.
I know I most probably have to try and push myself to become better. But I tried doing that during the spring semester, and it didn't quite work out as planned. I need someone to push me to become better and better. I don't have that drive myself.
At the moment it's hard to focus on the good things and remember them for the next training, staying motivated to continue to the (what I see it as) the finish line. I know getting the black belt is just the beginning. But to me I see it as becoming free of belt exams and just training at my own pace, perhaps going for nidan when I feel like it. Right now it feels like I have to, to get acknowledged in many parts of the martial arts world.
I know I cannot compare to most of the people training martial arts. But there are many reasons why people train. For me it has always been that it makes me feel better, I get to achieve something.
Somewhere along the road this past year I have lost the achievement part. I don't feel like I have achieved anything important, and now I'm just putting things off that I could have done yesterday.
I don't feel the support from the club as much as I did before. No one seems to want to become better at karate, but would rather just meet up to hang out. Social aspects are important too, but can't that be done while training martial arts?
This afternoon I was thinking of maybe putting off the black belt exam for yet another year, just because our sensei is on maternity leave and won't be back until next autumn. I don't feel like I can achieve this dream I have in this current situation. We don't have black belt potential in the club as it is right now. And I can't blame anyone for it. I don't wish to either. It's just how it is.
When I started training five years ago I never saw myself getting a black belt. Not until I got my brown belt did I see that maybe I had potential. But this year has been so unfortunate with the arthritis in my foot, strained chest muscle and not having enough job to fully support myself. And on top of that the source of inspiration in the club is taking a break (which I fully understand).
To say the least, this year has had some very very bad turns and it has hit my confidence pretty hard.